The Country House Cooking Chronicles - Day 2

This is the post that I wrote on day two - about 10 weeks ago now, the day of the bubble and squeak cakes and dreaded quails eggs ...

Loyal Readers,

Today has been absolutely knackering! We have finished filming and I have just had my first meal of the day - two slices of white kingsmill and a packet of cheese and onion. The irony of being a contestant on a cooking show is not lost on me.

This is the sort of stage where I don't want to give too much away - just in case you happen to be in at 4 in the afternoon when this airs and you want to see for yourselves... I'll assume that you won't and so I can reveal that..........I got through the second round!

The day began very early when we told we were catering for a shooting party at the manor. Queue lots and lots of tweed, fur and horse-faces. And shrill laughter. And champagne. And dissaproving staring at my bedraggled and sweaty face. What joy! Sir Ben and his shooting party clogged up the manor and feasted on the labours of our hard work late into the day, which was already much delayed by M's shock decision to walk away from the comp.

Cor blimey - the drama! The tears! The cameras! I will never ever get used to being followed around by a camera all day long. You feel like a right blooming tit and there's nowhere to hide when you want to innocently pick your nose or moan about what a shitbag JBR is.

JBR, incidentally, likes a drink. All day long. I hope that when the viewers watch this they can see his steady progression from 11am onwards in to total pissed-ness. I wouldn't mind but he never offered me one!

Anyway, back to the hunt party. The course I was given was my bubble and squeak cakes with a poached quails egg on top. Sadly, I forgot to add the necessary 12 tablespoons of salt and the diners said they'd prefer it with some delicious ham. Can't argue with that! Thought they were a bit bland and wished I'd made them with smoked haddock! Bum.

R has totally toned down over the last couple of days and is now being very respectful and kind - he's still keeping up with the old racism; "what do you call an Indian lesbian" he shrilled this afternoon, "mingeater!" came is glad tidings and I watched him laugh himself into a mini stupor. I have done quite well at telling him to shut his fucking face, and have found that P is the really annoying one. I won't spoil the surprise here, but the bugger keeps oinking into his camera how little salt I use, the ruddy codger. Oh how I laughed into my camera. Laughed I tells ye!

When it came to the judging, I stayed. So did R and P. Tomorrow is another day!

I have to go now, as the Blossom Hill that I stole from the Risotto making area is beginning to cause me some grief.

With much love from your intrepid culinary correspondent who has been on site for 3 days - but it feels like 3 long weeks! Tell me, is Obama still president? Has the Middle East crisis been solved? Who's at number 1 in the Pepsi charts?

Adoration in delicious little quinelles xxx

Country House Cooking Chronicles...Day 1

Day one has just finished filming, and we have trudged back though the snow from the manor house to our cottage. It is 4am.

The day began at 9am with cornflakes and coffee (fetched by a very helpful runner) who was on hand to do out bidding throughout the day. Sort of. Well, if our bidding involved bringing us multi packs of Hula Hoops and coca cola.

Filming didn't begin until 2pm, and the first set of shots consisted of some incredibly cringe worthy walking shots of each of us walking up to Maunsell House, gazing in wonderment, uttering many a overwhelmed word and generally marvelling. Next was an introduction to Sir Benjamin and Lady Kirsty (tru dat) and their many dogs. I couldn't think of anything to say, so I just politely fussed over the pooches and generally pretended that I had never been into a stately home before.

Soon the time came for us to get to eh kitchen and meet JBR. You know how some presenters put on a nasty act for the cameras? This was no act. The lizardy one was so foul, so lacking in charm and charisma of any sort... to describe him as a git would be a colossal understatement. He quickly informed us that we would be preparing a 6 course meal... and that I would be making the first of 2 desserts - Clementine cake.

To cut a long story short, it seemed to go okay. Having watched the show yesterday, it was very gratifying to see that the diners all loved it, even if JBR didn't. It was very bizarre and disconcerting to see the size of my arse on telly. Not to mention my big old porcelain plate head. I really didn't know that it was so HUGE.

Oh well. Also amused by these programmes and how the formats dictate that you have to pigeonhole each and every person. To compartmentalise me as the 'alternative one' was hilarious. As was listening to the voice over describe me as 'kooky', 'colourful' and 'quirky' respectively. Hilarious!

Well today is another day, I go through to the next round as you may have gathered from watching...

You will have to tun in at 4pm on ITV to see my progress today - and how the hunt party take to a vegetarian cook. Probably not well I am thinking.

Let me know what you all think and thanks for reading my ducks and doves!