1 January 2011

After arriving in Shanghai, Nik and Anna took us out to eat. There is no tipping in China - at all. Therefore, the service is often awful. No one smiled, but we pointed to colourful pictures and ate a nice meal of spicy aubergines, green beans, scrambled egg and warm cucumbers with rice. They came with bottles of Tsingtao that were nearly a foot tall - and all for 400RMB (called kuai by the kids, kind of like quid!) Which is 4 pounds to you or I! So eating out is VERY cheap almost everywhere but the very swankiest places. If you are very concerned about the provenance of the food or its general treatment, then China probably won't be your kind of place. Absolutely nothing is wasted, nothing looks pretty, everything is chucked in and from what I've seen in one day - animals possibly don't have the best of lives before they meet their maker.

After eating we got a cab to the club where Nik had been booked to DJ - LUNE. Lots of clubs are on the top floor of tall buildings - the same is true of nice bars too. Lune was at the top of a building in the heart of the brightly illuminated French quarter, and was a smallish room, totally lined with cushions, crazy lights and big windows. There was waitress service - and you can still (of course) smoke in China. Nearly everyone does, it seems. Measures are done by eye and are very generous - so after two rums and no sleep I was up on the stage having a good old boogie with one very drunk Chinese friend of Anna's, whose boyfriend had to carry her home not long after midnight.

We saw in the new year whilst Nik played a classic - Anything Goes - sung in Mandarin by the actress in Indiana Jones at the start of the one where it is 1930s Shanghai. That is a very annoying actress - Kate something? But an excellent (if little bit racist) film. Rick and I did a lot of dancing and jumping around - we both made friends! Me, a girl from Beijing who goes out with someone who works in Annas office, and Rick with a bloke who found out he work on Films and now wants Rick to come into the animation class that he teaches in one of the Colleges to do a lecture! He was very profuse. His name is Gordon and he is originally from Stoke. I liked him.

Rick and I are both objects of some curiosity over here. Especially Rick, who is stopped frequently by people remarking on his height. A group of school girls giggled a lot and a whole family took particular delight in marvelling at him. Generally, people just stare. They have been looking lots at me too. Not sure that I can blend in well anywhere really, but loud clothes plus loud mouth and big blonde hair seem to stick out too.

So far we have done a lot of walking - last night and today we took a cab across town, the most expensive journey cost 160 kuai (yup - 1 pound 60p)! So what feels like a luxury at home is one of the very cheapest things to do.

Yesterday, I was standing next to a man on the metro who was eating watermelon seeds and spitting the pips onto the floor. A vivid picture, but no one batted an eyelid.

Today, we slept in. We were so tired, but wanted a leg stretch, so we walked all the way across town and saw some sights. The best sights of all, however, were to be had in the supermarket.

There is literally EVERYTHING here. And everything is cheap, too. Electronic goods of all description, posh face cream brands, makeup, all foods and drink... There is a lot to be had.

There are tanks and tanks of crabs, frogs, toads, squid, eel - ducks by the dozen, plucked and lying there in a heap. People just use nets and help themselves to the things in the tanks, and grab the rest of the bits by hand. Hygiene is not a massive priority here (seriously - you should see the toilet situation) but is also a bit like going into the Gap, in the sense that there are hundreds of employees just standing all the way along the aisle, so if you go to even look at anything or pick anything up you are given the hard sell. Makes me a bit scared, as all I can say is hello and thank you.

The best bit is that the shops constantly play music - very loudly - all the time. Today, it was mad children singing. On the tube I heard military music. That might of been the residual paranoia though.

There is a club in town called Obamao and a place called Mao's Kitchen who's slogan is 'I'm a Mmmmaoist' or 'I love Communism - it's tasty' or something like that. I will be taking as many pics as I can!

Anyway, tonight we got a dvd from street seller for 50p - it is the not yet released Black Swan with Natalie Portman. We watched that snuggled up on the sofa - after eating rice and veg all stirred together.

I hope you all had a brilliant New Years Eve.

Shanghai - the arrival

31 December 2010

Hello all! I very much hope that this message reaches you. I appear to have coverage here. Won't text or call will keep in touch via email - please keep in touch with me too - I don't have to go online - it is auto as part of my tariff as it is in the uk.

So.... After a very eventful morning, which involved travelling to Heathrow rather than Gatwick, we made it. With time to get a bite at Garfunkels! Ricks 'treat' to me as he had been in charge of all travel arrangements. My omlette arrived mere moments (about 12 seconds) after I ordered it, and suddenly I was transported back to the Little Chefs of my childhood...

The first leg of the flight was uneventful - I had the hindu vegan meal - which generally looked much safer than anything else, and tasted okay too. Qatar airways was actually really posh. As much booze, food and premiere films as you like, no limits. Rick got a taste for whisky and ginger and I stuck to a revolving mix of alcoholic, soft, hot and weird drinks - to make sure I got my lionshare.

However, we missed our landing time and ended up in a queue of 17 planes. The result was that as we were landing in Doha our connecting flight had already boarded! All I can say, is that I drew on all of the strength I had, and channelled my inner Dad. I ran. And ran and ran and ran some more. And we made it - only just, but at 1.30am Doha time (6.30am Shanghai and 10.30 London) we settled down to the next round of vegan meals (something with okra this time) endless drinks and films.

The second leg was through the 'night', which was simulated by cabin crew throughout the plane, even though the sun was shining brightly. It was an even posher plane - and the entertainment system had 30 series 5! Rick slept for a bit, and I had a bit of a manic time at around 3am london time (9am shanghai) where I watched the Lost Boys, the Aristocats, beauty and the beast and then listened to the complete Fleetwood Mac...I felt ropey - but very satisfied too.

I brushed my teeth with minature toothpaste and fold-out brush before landing and then we made our way to passport control.

Here, we entered a new level of fear. I presented my visa and all other docs and passport. They then proceeded to tell me that the photo in the passport was not me - and confiscated it! Taking my drivers licence and other photo id too. Several othert officials got involved - Rick tried to help - but they wouldn't let him come over. I eventually had my picture taken about 20 timesd by them and they took specical 'note' of me and my id. They let me go after I protested about 50 times that the photo was taken of me when I was 19 - I am 10 years older now. However, the passport still has more that 6 months on it, as required in China, and visa and all other docs were there too. I don't know if they just didn't like the look of me, or if it really is just the worst photo ever where I look like a featureless ghost, but I can't wait to get a new one.

Apparently, we are supposed to report to the local police station every 24 hours or something mental like that - but I think that's only if you don't have someone that you're staying with. Either way, it wasn't that welcoming a start.

Anyway, next installment tomorrow, I am already getting a bit paranoid about what I'm writing in a bloody email about a faceless security person! I think the paranoia must be contagious. Or maybe its just lack of sleep?

Either way, I have still had no sleep and Anna, Nik, rick and I are off for food then to the club Nik is djing at! Break on through to the other side!

Their flat is lovely and they have been very welcoming. China is freezing! Siberian winds don't you know. Though I think they say that about Cambridge too.

It is nearly new years here - and whilst I'm away from you - I am with you too, as always.

The Dawn of a new era...the ConDem nation

Well, what can I possibly say that will make a reasonable excuse for not blogging for so long? I think I can probably pass it off, firstly, as election fever, and secondly, as post-election malaise. I'm sure we all have it, so I'll try not to dwell.

In fact, for the first time in ages (one week or so)I feeling rather happy. Having just watched Question Time and witnessed the farcical sycophancy of Simon Hughes and Lord Heseltine rubbing each other on the back and the sight of Melanie Phillips (always unpleasant) about to spontaneously combust - there was a shining light at the reaching out to me and all good reds out there - Mhedi Hasan! Goodness me, what a man. Hasan for the leadership! He expressed so well h0w I, and I'm sure loads of other -people are feeling right now. But it could be worse of course. I could have voted Lib Dem and now be squirming around uncomfortably, mesmerised by this unholy union. I think I will enjoy being in opposition, as the only truly viable progressive option. Possibly the best thing to happen to Labour. Possibly. Definitely not the best thing for the nation though, but ho hum.

I will try to shut up about it now, as I have been going on about nothing else for 7 days flat. And I definitely haven't said anything original or insightful or even witty so far.

In other news I have read the God Delusion again and decided to (again) that it is a marvellous book - mind you the dust-cover review on the front of the book's jacket also states that this is Derren Brown's favourite book. So there's no accounting for taste. Actually, I think re-reading this has caused a slight crisis... but I managed to paper over it by watching loads of Attenborough. Now I am getting a nightly fix of Life on Earth and the slightly less angry evolutionary stylings of the lovely Richard. Much more relaxing than what I was doing before - reading actual bits of the bible and getting very scared.

The only other bit of major news is BUNNY BUNNY BUNNY! Yes, we are getting a bunny. A mini lop rabbit, brown with a white tummy. The flat-packed hutch arrived yesterday and I erected it myself! Although Rick did have to go over it again this evening just to make sure that it was structurally sound (it wasn't). So now I have all the hay in the world, a great hutch and the makings of a fabulous bunny kingdom. Bunny arrives on Sunday.

If you want to come round and stroke it please do. Apparently they like nose-fondling! Don't we all.

Well, off I go. More tomorrow!

C xxx

Dearest ducks,

What a day and night we've had...your loyal correspondent here writes to you with sad tidings a plenty - I was voted off after the 3rd challenge! Travesty! Oh justice! O! Woe, woe and thrice woe.

It all began after a particularly arduous 2nd service, where, if you'll remember the infamous 'salt-gate' episode occurred. Dear god the shame. But after drinking 2 value cans of own brand cola, some beef and onion hula hoops and contraband Haribo stolen from Sir Ben's stash in the library I found my second wind - literally - and rushed around the kitchen with the others madly prepping for episode 3...

Yes, that's right, the ITV cheapskates could only afford 4 days at Maunsel House, stately pile of the 7th Baronet of Somerset and all round good-time guy, cad and commoner-hater. Therefore the producers announced the twist that we would be filming through the night the 3rd episode of the 5-part challenge as a time-saving measure. Good job I'd had drink all of that sugary cola and those 3 cups of tea, where the 4 of us that remained had to share the same teabag. Catering here is not so great, as you might have gathered.

JBR came in possibly hungover this morning. Today he had value multipack salt and vinegar crisps and a Tesco’s ham sandwich. He looked fucking grateful too! Oh the glamour. If you do get the chance dear readers, please look old JBR up on Google images and appreciate the likeness he has to a leathery pissed lizard. I have been forced to study his face for the last few days at alarmingly close proximity and it really is uncanny.

Anyway, back to the sad tale of yours truly and my elimination, The bombshell of the 3rd challenge was dropped and we were told that we would have to cook hundreds of canapés for a cocktail party, the canapés were our own creations (one recipe only, 80 canapés each) I made my own sundried tomato bread and smashed broad beans with mozzarella. P was on foul form all day and had to be reprimanded for bullying of the other contestants (not me, I hasten to add) as he said in his own words; "If you'd told me that I'd be having a conversation with a fat, tattooed, skint girl last week I just wouldn't have believed it. I never socialise with people like you. But for some reason I think you're great!" Ah, fantastic, I had unwittingly won the old buggers heart just by being good old me. And I didn’t even want to. Was rather hilarious thinking to myself that it was funny that he liked me but I secretly hate him and so I briefly lost my inner monologue and did a snorty laugh in his face. I think he took it as a sign of affection. Foolish man!

The 4 of us remaining - A, P, R and myself whizzed around for the next few hours - each with a camera in our face. Sometimes I'd catch something that one of the others was saying and become entranced. Did I sound like as much of a twat as them?! Yes, I fear, is the answer to that. In an amazing fit of foresight I spent the entire session gabbing to anyone and everyone that asked, about how I thought my dish was the weakest and that I deserved to go and that I thought I'd go. I also did a lots of saying "I'm not at all competitive... it really wouldn’t bother me if I left... the other 3 are SOOOO amazing" etc.

After a short break drinking more hazardous beverages and spending a particularly satisfying 5 minutes dreaming up ways of elaborately trapping and killing P using only my wits and an assortment of potato peelers, a mandolin and very, very dense ladle, it was time for our canapés to get out to the 3 or 4 eager diners that had attended the 3am fake cocktail party.

Then came the moment of truth...I don't want to ruin the show for you, so all I'll say is that I might have shed a little tear or two and gushed on about what a great time I'd had and how the other 3 were the best...but that would surely risk spoiling the surprise of seeing one of your oldest and dearest friends make a twat of herself on telly, and I wouldn’t want to do that! So you will have to watch the whole ghastly charade for yourselves!! Or at least the 3 hours of top quality entertainment that features MOI. Three out of five ain't bad.

But just a word to the wise, if you do happen to see a weepy writer getting booted of a reality cookery contest and then swearing at her competitors and shouting into the camera "turn that fucking thing OFF!" then remember to have some sympathy for her, as chances are she just been hugged and kissed by JBR the lizard man himself. That's probably what set her off.

So, my friends, I will be in from tomorrow and very much at your disposal for chats/tea/drinks/me to cook you something nice, so please get in touch so that I can try to be normal again.

I do hope I didn’t let any of you fine folk down; I did have a great experience you know. And its even re-ignited my blogging fever so I will let you know the address of my new blog set up if you fancy a read a long a day.

With much love to you all, ties I signing off to finally sleep.

Chloe xxx

The Country House Cooking Chronicles - Day 2

This is the post that I wrote on day two - about 10 weeks ago now, the day of the bubble and squeak cakes and dreaded quails eggs ...

Loyal Readers,

Today has been absolutely knackering! We have finished filming and I have just had my first meal of the day - two slices of white kingsmill and a packet of cheese and onion. The irony of being a contestant on a cooking show is not lost on me.

This is the sort of stage where I don't want to give too much away - just in case you happen to be in at 4 in the afternoon when this airs and you want to see for yourselves... I'll assume that you won't and so I can reveal that..........I got through the second round!

The day began very early when we told we were catering for a shooting party at the manor. Queue lots and lots of tweed, fur and horse-faces. And shrill laughter. And champagne. And dissaproving staring at my bedraggled and sweaty face. What joy! Sir Ben and his shooting party clogged up the manor and feasted on the labours of our hard work late into the day, which was already much delayed by M's shock decision to walk away from the comp.

Cor blimey - the drama! The tears! The cameras! I will never ever get used to being followed around by a camera all day long. You feel like a right blooming tit and there's nowhere to hide when you want to innocently pick your nose or moan about what a shitbag JBR is.

JBR, incidentally, likes a drink. All day long. I hope that when the viewers watch this they can see his steady progression from 11am onwards in to total pissed-ness. I wouldn't mind but he never offered me one!

Anyway, back to the hunt party. The course I was given was my bubble and squeak cakes with a poached quails egg on top. Sadly, I forgot to add the necessary 12 tablespoons of salt and the diners said they'd prefer it with some delicious ham. Can't argue with that! Thought they were a bit bland and wished I'd made them with smoked haddock! Bum.

R has totally toned down over the last couple of days and is now being very respectful and kind - he's still keeping up with the old racism; "what do you call an Indian lesbian" he shrilled this afternoon, "mingeater!" came is glad tidings and I watched him laugh himself into a mini stupor. I have done quite well at telling him to shut his fucking face, and have found that P is the really annoying one. I won't spoil the surprise here, but the bugger keeps oinking into his camera how little salt I use, the ruddy codger. Oh how I laughed into my camera. Laughed I tells ye!

When it came to the judging, I stayed. So did R and P. Tomorrow is another day!

I have to go now, as the Blossom Hill that I stole from the Risotto making area is beginning to cause me some grief.

With much love from your intrepid culinary correspondent who has been on site for 3 days - but it feels like 3 long weeks! Tell me, is Obama still president? Has the Middle East crisis been solved? Who's at number 1 in the Pepsi charts?

Adoration in delicious little quinelles xxx

Country House Cooking Chronicles...Day 1

Day one has just finished filming, and we have trudged back though the snow from the manor house to our cottage. It is 4am.

The day began at 9am with cornflakes and coffee (fetched by a very helpful runner) who was on hand to do out bidding throughout the day. Sort of. Well, if our bidding involved bringing us multi packs of Hula Hoops and coca cola.

Filming didn't begin until 2pm, and the first set of shots consisted of some incredibly cringe worthy walking shots of each of us walking up to Maunsell House, gazing in wonderment, uttering many a overwhelmed word and generally marvelling. Next was an introduction to Sir Benjamin and Lady Kirsty (tru dat) and their many dogs. I couldn't think of anything to say, so I just politely fussed over the pooches and generally pretended that I had never been into a stately home before.

Soon the time came for us to get to eh kitchen and meet JBR. You know how some presenters put on a nasty act for the cameras? This was no act. The lizardy one was so foul, so lacking in charm and charisma of any sort... to describe him as a git would be a colossal understatement. He quickly informed us that we would be preparing a 6 course meal... and that I would be making the first of 2 desserts - Clementine cake.

To cut a long story short, it seemed to go okay. Having watched the show yesterday, it was very gratifying to see that the diners all loved it, even if JBR didn't. It was very bizarre and disconcerting to see the size of my arse on telly. Not to mention my big old porcelain plate head. I really didn't know that it was so HUGE.

Oh well. Also amused by these programmes and how the formats dictate that you have to pigeonhole each and every person. To compartmentalise me as the 'alternative one' was hilarious. As was listening to the voice over describe me as 'kooky', 'colourful' and 'quirky' respectively. Hilarious!

Well today is another day, I go through to the next round as you may have gathered from watching...

You will have to tun in at 4pm on ITV to see my progress today - and how the hunt party take to a vegetarian cook. Probably not well I am thinking.

Let me know what you all think and thanks for reading my ducks and doves!

On the brink of stardom... ITV daytime - Here I come!

Hello my darlings!

I can scarce believe it, but the hour is nigh, this time tomorrow I would have made my tv debut! Reality tv is certainly something that I had never previously considered... But after a random call from 'researcher 1' asking me if I'd consider cooking on telly, all expenses paid, I decided I could not resist.

Actually, what I really decided was that 2010 is the year to have some new experiences, hopefully positive, and certainly take a few more risks than usual. So I gone and done it. Spending a week of January in a remote country house cooking for the aristocracy. And if you want to see more, I suggest you tune in at 4pm tomorrow on ITV!

This weekend Rick and I went to see Capitalism: A Love Story at the Barbican. And blooming brilliant it was too. The we went for Filipino food and stuffed ourselves rotten! I probably should have restrained myself, but unfortunately was overcome by greed for exotic food. The best thing that I ate was purple yam ice cream. LUSH.

Now I am sitting with Ricky watching In the Loop and eating a chocolate and pear pudding and drinking wine. We live much like French dukes. It is our way. Bea is with us and it has been most lovely. I am excited about spending a day in the scareball before coming home to watch what may be the most embarrassing display of culinary skills ever before seen and screened to man.

Please let me know what you think, and more importantly, reassure me that you still want to be friends.

Big love and sweet dreams xxx